at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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