I could make wine with my vomit
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
