Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
