my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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