4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
