I'm so fucking centered right now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize