haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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