ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
