Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You smell like stripper and shame
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it's like iHOP with fire
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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