How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
