do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I need a burrito and a hug.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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