my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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