Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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