How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
