If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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