Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
