You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
