I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
