Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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