A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
