He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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