you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
