He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
