Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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