If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
