you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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