He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
