well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
