I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
