i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
then he tried to convert me to islam
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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