dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
