What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
