i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
