apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
