EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
