I will die if light touches me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
