New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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