At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
