what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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