Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
