All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
