so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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