It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
