This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
