i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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