operation harelip BJ is a go
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
