Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize