I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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