wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
