if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
