Sry I called you an 8
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize