i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
