Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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