so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
did i walk over a car last night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
