so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize