remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
