my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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