I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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