I'm so fucking centered right now
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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