Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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