she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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