So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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