I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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